Thursday, March 20, 2014

Spiders Crawling Up Your Back. Spiders Crawling Down.

Do y’all remember that from grade school? “Crack and egg on your head, feel the yolk come down. Spiders crawling up your back. Spiders crawling down..”

Anyways, that has nothing to do with this post.  Just had a good ol flashback of elementary school when I started writing this.

Class, today, we are going to talk about spiders. No one likes em. No one. And if you do…I don’t know you, at least, not like I though I did.

I have a story to tell you. It is a story of heartache and loss. It is a story of triumph and power…

A few months ago, I was lying in bed. It was late. Around 12:30 at night. Something was making my back itch. I figured I had a mosquito bite. But, the itching kept different places.

Reader: “Sarah. Stop. I know what you are going to stay. I cannot believe you went through this. You poor soul. How difficult your life must be. Don’t continue this story. I cannot bear it for you.”

Thank you reader. You are kind, but alas, I must. I must keep writing. For the people.

(We live in Guatemala and tend to have lots of spiders. Lots. Our front porch used to host a few families of them.  I began to become too comfortable with them and even started naming some OK, not really, but by comfortable, I mean, I started smashing them with my hand. This became my norm. John even mentioned a few times that he was impressed with my smashing skills.)

Back to my story. So, my back kept itching. Finally, after about 5 minutes of it, I decided to get up and check to see what was making my back itch. Low and freaking behold, there was a big ol spider. You guys. I died. You would be proud of me though. I did not scream. I just said, “Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.” And then “Oh hell no.”  Then, I did my best spider smashing ever. (I also stayed up for the rest of the night, because spiders don’t really come out during the day. I decided I would sleep then.)

This is where the story about heartache and loss come in. You see, It was a difficult experience for me, but the heartache and loss were for Mr. Spider’s wife and children. They no longer had a dad.

This was Mr. Spider. He was at least 4 inches. Ok, not really, but he was big. 
Reader: Sarah, I am waiting with bated breath. I want to know where the triumph and power come in. Tell me! Tell me!!”

Oh reader. You silly, eager reader. I will tell you. I promise.

Here is Mrs. Spider and her children. On her back. (Y'all, I just about died when I found this picture on Google. Died.)

Here is the problem. Mrs. Spider and her children were still alive. They were planning and plotting their revenge. See, my bedroom is very close to this porch and I have a window that looks into my bathroom from the porch. The night that I killed their husband/dad, they saw it all happen, and they were none to pleased.

So, I did what any normal, red blooded American (living in Guatemala) would do, I sprayed the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks out of our porch and our entire house with Raid. I went through an entire bottle of Raid. It worked. I killed them. They all died. I triumphed and I had all of the power in that big bottle of Raid.

Reader: But Sarah, this is a blog about oils. You are supposed to be all natural. Raid is a horrible chemical filled with all kinds of poisons. It is toxic. You have a child. You have dogs. No!

I know reader. I have learned my lesson.  Actually, I have not. Just like I will always go to the doctor and take real medicine when needed, I will always use Raid.  But God willing, I won’t have to ever again because I now keep them away from our house be spraying the curtains with Young Living’s Peppermint oil! Not only does our house smell great, but spiders HATE peppermint. It keeps those biotches away.

Reader: Sarah, you are a missionary. You are not supposed to say biotch.

So, to sum up. Suck it spiders. You are not welcome. We have made that clear by spraying Peppermint all over our house, and if you do come in, I will either smash you with my hand or soak you in Raid.

*All spiders were harmed in the making of this story. Not one survived.

*If you want to buy a bottle of Raid from me, I cannot help you. Go to the grocery store. If you want to buy some Peppermint from me, I’m all yours. Just leave a comment asking me for more info and I would be happy to get in touch with you.

*If you have mommy spiders with babies on her back, don't put "some" drops in the bottle of water. Drop both the peppermint bottle and the spray bottle and run like hell. I think it might try to eat you while you are sleeping
 Picture by "Kathleen Hayes"

*After finding the above picture of baby spiders on Mommy spider's back. I will now be dousing my house in Peppermint. Dying. I hope none of the spiders read this. I don't want them coming after me.

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  1. I'm now rethinking coming to visit you in Guat...

    Hahhaa jk...but really. I'll be packing raid.

  2. Ha. I will make sure there are no spiders in this house, although I just killed one on our wall right after writing this. No babies on the back though:)

  3. That picture is freaking me out. I'm gagging. Ugh.

  4. I know Lauren. So gross. I didn't even know baby spiders lived on their moms backs. I thought it was all Charlotte's Web like and they flew off on pretty webs.